![]() Brooke was with me as were my family, and some of Josh’s friends how brave of them too. I feel sorry for myself, and I am not ashamed to admit it, therapy teaches me that it is ok for me to be kind to myself. I am so strong, and I am so brave because that was such a hard thing to do and today thinking about the enormity of it is having a significant impact on me. How did I do that? How? I did it because my baby was all alone and I wanted him to know that I was right there outside waiting for him: my baby, my happy, funny, kind and loving Son. So how could I do what, you might be asking, well how could I have stood across the road from the RE Bar (now known as the GEO Bar) in Eastcote knowing that Josh was laying on the floor in his blood, dead and all alone? How could I have stood there looking at the bar door waiting for it to open while watching the police and the forensic teams while patiently waiting to see them bring Josh out? When that moment came when I was told that I could touch Josh over the blanket on the trolley that he came out on, I knew that Josh knew I had done the best that I could do under the circumstances. How you might ask, well they become more precise because the trauma lifts a little bit every day and when this happens the darkness is broken by thin openings of light, and it is these openings that allow me to think clearer about past events and the impact that they have on me. You would think that they become more faded, but you would be wrong because for me they are even more clearer as time goes by. I had to stop in my tracks and say out loud how did you do that? I cried, and I am crying now as I write this blog because as time moves forward, the reaction to my memories continues to change. Today is not a good day because I have experienced a flashback while walking my dog Stella first thing this morning. They find it hard to image their mums standing where I stand talking about them if they had lost their life, when I ask them to. And when I am talking to young people in colleges, I see him in his latest tracksuit and designer trainers awkwardly looking back at me, like some of the other boys do. I see him in his school uniform with his happy smiling face looking at me. I also tell them that even looking at them as they sit there looking back at me breaks my heart as I see Josh’s face when he was their age. I talk about the impact that Josh’s death has on me, Josh’s family and his friends every single day. To educate young people and help prevent them from carrying a knife, I choose my words carefully as I share Josh’s life with them. Did he not learn the valuable lessons that I taught Josh throughout his short life, good from bad, right from wrong, empathy, respect, compassion and love? To be honest, knowing the answer would make no difference to me as it won’t bring Josh back home. Evil because he has no morals and is downright wicked. Today I will share one of those with you, and that is evil. A prolific offender or a hardened criminal is a term that I have used for him when sharing Josh’s story in schools and colleges, but I have many more that I use to describe him in private. A man with 17 previous convictions and who was known to the police. AudioQuest DragonFly : USB Digital to Analog Converter, up to 96kHz/24-bit.Today marks four years and seven months since Josh was taken from me by Shane O’Brien.Meridian Explorer : USB Digital to Analog Converter, up to 192kHz/24-bit. #HANSON STOP ME IN MYTRACKS TRIAL#
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